Or build resentment for the rest of your life!
A few months ago while unpacking childhood trauma, I realized that I chose people to be friends with that mirrored my dynamics with my terribly toxic, narcissistic parents. It is a quite common phenomenon; one that generally is associated with drug abuse or domestic violence. But it’s not always so “dramatic” — sometimes the relationships we create with others mirror the bullying, condescension, emotional inaccessibility, or people-pleasing tendencies we developed during childhood.
At my most sensitive, when I needed this particular group of friends the most to save me from a deeply uncomfortable family situation, they chose to dismiss my needs. Rather than understanding my position and meeting me halfway (like I have always done for them), they bulldozed me. Already at my emotional limits, I removed myself from the situation and distanced myself from them. Suddenly, they “just wanted to talk.” Funny how people choose to become understanding and listen to you when the blow-up has already happened. I removed them on my social media and just ignored our group chat and their calls/messages. It was just weak and silly attempts to get me back talking, nothing substantive or genuine.
One of them called me a few days after and I ignored the calls. A few hours later, I decided to show one last bit of respect for our long friendship, so I texted her saying I’m done for a while with the group.
And I’m not sure why I did. It proceeded to just deflection, blaming me for my reaction, taking words I had said and throwing them back at me, glossing over my points, and justifying things that weren’t even relevant. They couldn’t fathom why I was hurt by their behavior and just kept resorting back to me being hurtful to them by ghosting them and unfollowing them. I did NOT ghost them, I stated I was not up for the plans anymore. Rather than backing off and giving me space, they continued to try to invade. Our conversation, needless to say, went nowhere. Any regret I had for my decision disappeared.
And so I come here to say, just cut them off. It doesn’t matter if they “raised” you, if you’ve been friends forever, if you’ve gone through war together, if you still love each other, whatever. It doesn’t matter who’s right, who’s wrong, who used a harsh tone, who overreacted, literally nothing.
If people keep making you uncomfortable and you don’t feel like they are respecting you, just leave each other the hell ALONE. Even if you’re right and they’re wrong, WHO CARES? All that matters is that there is a major disconnect and life is too goddamn short to keeping putting a square peg in a round hole. Just go your own separate freaking ways.
Yes it’ll suck for a bit and you’ll feel lonely and you will have no one to send memes to, but it’s your freaking life and you need to choose YOU. There is no rule book to life, or a law that says you and someone need to be in contact for the rest of your life.
I see why I had these friends in my life now. I needed to see that some people are just freaking miserable and unkind to you and it has nothing to do with you. I’ve known them for half my life and we know nearly everything about each other. We considered each other family.
And YET, I ended up feeling disrespected the same way my parents disrespect me. Which made me realize it truly doesn’t matter who you are to someone, they will do what they will do. Kind, empathetic people are kind and empathetic. Insecure, selfish people will act out of insecurity and selfishness.
You have no reason to feel bad for them, to try to please them, to manage their emotions, ANYTHING. These people are not entitled to you! They’re just downtrodden, immature individuals who happen to have birthed you and were legally obligated to make sure you didn’t die. THAT’S ALL. They would mistreat ANYONE if they felt like they could get away with or benefit from it. You were just the easiest target!
“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime” and most people don’t reach lifetime and that is fine!!!
Do not let the fear of failure or the unknown or loneliness hold you back, you got this!!
– Virg
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